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Apr. 30th, 2008

alien

(no subject)

starting over.

Apr. 7th, 2008

alien

(no subject)

it sucks when you dont have friends like you used to.

there isnt anybody that i can call up and be like.. can we just go for a quick ride. to talk and relax. nobody will do that. nobody will do anything.

Mar. 31st, 2008

alien

wow i feel old

my birthday is wednesday.

i feel like an old hag.

love u

xo

jes

Mar. 26th, 2008

alien

how fitting

i just went outside to smoke a cigarette on the front steps... of COURSE its raining out... and i kept thinking over and over again

i am so SICK of being everybodys FUCKING afterthought.


then i looked down and there was a small dead bird lying there.

all i could think was..

of course

how fitting.
alien

(no subject)

i am so fucking pissed right now. i really cannot stop bawling my eyes out. my parents really fucking suck sometimes. they never help me out w. anything financially.. whatever thats fine. BUT alot of people get helped out when they get their first car. most people i know anyway. my parents COULD help me out... or they could at least not put me in a position where there is no possible way for me to save up for a car ... the only way i can afford a car and insurance is if i have absolutely no spending money at all for like two years. i cant do it.. im sorry. its just not possible. i dont give a fuck what you say. SO they dont even ask me if i have to work today because.. THEY JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK. i am so sick of this bullshit. i am so sick of having to depend on people for rides. i am almost 22 and i have never had my own car. I WANT TO FUCKINIG HURT SOMEONE. i am so fuckin mad right now. how many times do i have to be forgotten in my life. it just pisses me off that they dont think to even ask me... they just dont even CONSIDER me. FUCK THEM. FUCK THIS. FUCK FUCK FUCK. i am so fucking pissed i dont even know what to do. my rage is boiling through my blood right now.

Mar. 24th, 2008

alien

(no subject)

ive been thinking.... well im always thinking but i was thinking about the choices that i make. particularly the people that i have chosen to have in my life. I have very few close friends... i tend to circulate from one group to another. but ive noticed that i kind of "recycle" friends. The people that are bad for me... that i will seperate myself from because they are what you might call "toxic friends" i always end up letting them back in my life. I think i find it hard to hate them or i find it easy to forgive them because i can see myself in them. i see the horrible things that i hate about myself in these people. they are a part of me. i am scared to hate them because then it would justify people hating me. the thing that i am scared of most in this world is myself. my mind. i am this crazy being... i constantly feel like i am going to burst at the seams. i have 20,000 thoughts racing through my mind all at once every second of every day. i am being torn in 50 directions, i can never make a decision. a simple decision may take days. it usually stays undecided. getting something done takes forever... it usually stays undone. my life is a wreck, my brain is hurting. i feel too much or i dont feel enough. i cant sleep but i cant keep my eyes open. im spinning i am falling i am a giant run on sentence.
i am crazy.
help me.

Feb. 27th, 2008

alien

this is why i get headaches.

Am i the only one that is TERRIFIED of being in love. It used to be the thing i wanted most. I just wanted somebody to love me, love me more than anything or anyone else. And now i have just that. He loves me the most. And it is scary. I am scared what will happen if it falls apart, i am scared what will happen if this is the one. Did i find the right person? Am i wasting time with the wrong person? I dont know and i dont know if i ever will know. am i supposed to take a break and look for somebody thats better for me? I dont think so, but how can i be sure? I wanted to be somebodys everything and i got just that. I AM HIS EVERYTHING. and i think thats what is driving this wedge between us. i want him to have some things of his own. i want him to have HIS life and i want me to have MY life but i want them to intertwine. but he just took on my life. and it can be suffocating. i love him, i love him ALOT. i love the way he makes me feel like i am the only thing thats important because... nobody has ever made me feel like that. My family certainly doesnt make me feel loved, and it feels nice to FINALLY feel that way. I am happy right now, but i am scared. i dont want to make a mistake. i dont want to marry the wrong person. I guess im just going to take things real slow. I feel like my heart wants me to go with the flow, see what happens, enjoy what i have while i have it, but my head takes me in 20 other directions. i wish i could just TURN MY OVER ACTIVE BRAIN OFF.

Feb. 26th, 2008

alien

Today is my day off

I really miss writing in this thing. I dont really have that much to say but its nice to just.. write. Probably because nobody in my house ever listens to anything that comes out of my mouth.
Today is my day off so im probably going to be spending it with Elliot. UNFORTUNATELY both of my parents have the day off too! how the hell did that happen?? that ruined my Morning plans :)
anyway.. i should probably shower.
later

Feb. 24th, 2008

alien

(no subject)

ok so i should be gettin ready for work right now. BUT im drinking coffee and feeling the warmth of the sun shining on me through the window. ID MUCH rather be doing this. and my cat apparently feels the same way. shes lying in the sun doing nothing.... why cant i?

Elliot is picking me up from work today. I love him. Its weird... i LOVE just lying down watching tv with him. I really dont care if we go out or not. I just worry that were too boring lol. we can sit there and not say anything but just something about being in his company calms me.

I like being calm.
i dont feel that way often.

FLORIDA MARCH 8th

YAYYYYYY

Feb. 22nd, 2008

alien

oh Snow.

i really need to start watching the weather. Its freaking COLD and snowing out. wasnt it beautiful and sunny yesterday? Thank god i am going to florida soon. I NEED this vacation more than anything right now.
I feel good right now though. I am sitting in my bedroom drinking coffee and watching Ellen. What could be better?

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